I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
