Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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