So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
