My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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