I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Randomize
