My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I lost the right to judge tonight
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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