did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
