Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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