Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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