It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
