how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
