All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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