Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
