Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
