so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
