I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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