yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
