Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
