Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
