I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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