i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
