Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
