i just wanna soil my oats bro
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? ðð