so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.