I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
