So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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