I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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