i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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