just tell him i said nine months
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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