Apparently you make a good broom.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
