She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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