What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
