I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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