i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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