im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
