So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
