he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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