I think I won the penis lottery.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?