she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
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I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background