You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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