he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
