O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
