If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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