Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
