she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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