Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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