I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
