i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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