please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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