Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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