So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
