You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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