Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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