yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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