why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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